I Won't Be Left

Moving back from Cape Town was a little embarrassing. I don't think anyone really saw it as a possibility, especially me. I was really grateful that no one in my family tried to talk to me about it though. My cat finally arrived after a few days and was much happier in a full size garden compared to the little pot of grass he had on the balcony before.

The balcony did have a great view though...

I was extra lucky when I was asked by a company I had worked for previously to come back and be office manager. Also, my sister had gotten a puppy which didn't hurt... His name is Bastian.

Listening to I won't Be Left by Tegan And Sara helped me to get through the first few post-break up weeks.  

It was great to be back with family and friends and to not feel so alone for a change. After a while everyone stopped looking at me like a wounded puppy and things felt a little more normal. Even though I was sleeping in my niece's room, with pink stuff EVERYWHERE. 

After 2 weeks or so all of my stuff showed up in a big truck. It was all shoved in to the garage and i had a very weird moment standing there looking at everything I owned packed in to boxes again. A lot of my stuff is still packed in boxes in the garage right now. 

Even though I feel like I don't really have a home right now, it really is better to be back surrounded by people who care.

I do miss the sea though...

I Won't Be Left by Tegan and Sara

I won't mistake you for problems with me
I won't let my moods ruin this you'll see
I won't take everything good and move it away
I won't be left dancing along to songs from the past
Would you stay home and keep our memories warm with me
Would you give all your love for a run at the past with me
I know you're sad even though you say that you're not
I know you're scared even though you say that you're not
I won't get mad when you say things are getting too hard
I won't make all of your love so scared to come through our yard
I won't scream in my head and let it isolate me
I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past 

One Headlight (September 2012 - February 2014)

In September 2012, I went to a birthday/house party thing with my friend Dave. I was FINALLY feeling more human again after a break up and many little confusing relationships mixed with rebounding. The party involved people from the Wits Ski Club which meant that I would run into Mike

After having a few drinks and trying my best to socialise, I did indeed run into Andy for the first time in years. Surprisingly it went well, I even got an apology. To celebrate my new moving-on-ness I decided to drink more tequila and do some dancing. While dancing I noticed a guy sitting around looking pretty despondent so I grabbed him by the arm and told him to dance with me. This is how I met Kevin...

After we had been together for a couple of months, we moved in together in to a place in Lonehill. Along with my cat Pedro.

In the beginning everything was great and we had tons of fun. There was one night i will always remember, we went to Monte Casino for dinner. Decided to get drunk on champagne in our fancy clothes, gambled for hours and then stayed in one of the hotels even though it was ridiculously expensive. A normal day for us would consist of gaming and tequila. There were good moments.

We went out a lot ~

We dressed up for new years

We danced ...

One thing that we never seemed to be on the same page with was music. The first thing I would do when I got home was to put music, I had a song for every situation and feeling. Eventually after asking many times, Kevin picked "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers as his favourite song. Since we didn't have a song, it became our song. Better than nothing right...?

After living together for about 7 months, his company asked him to move to Cape Town to open up a branch there. We discussed it and 3 months later we had moved.

At this point in our relationship, things had been a bit off for a couple of months already. The affection from his side had definitely decreased and sometimes I wondered if he would've noticed if I disappeared. In a way I hoped that moving there would have helped somehow. It definitely only made things worse. Every single day I felt lonely, neglected and invisible. If I tried to bring it up during the day, he'd say that I was ruining the day, if I brought it up in the evening, I was ruining the night. 

Eventually, I brought it up again on our anniversary dinner at a restaurant which is when he decided to quite coldly tell me that he hadn't actually loved me for the past 6 months and that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

When I got "home", I booked a flight and cab and flew home the next morning. He didn't even have the guts to come out of the spare room and say goodbye to me.

That was the second, and hopefully last time I flew back to Joburg from Cape Town with a broken heart. 

  One Headlight by The Wallflowers

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun coming up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Saying all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothing left
She hit the end-it's just her window ledge

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dying dreams
I think her death it must be killing me

Hanging By A Moment (October 2009 - August 2010)

On a warm evening in October 2009 I went to visit a friend of mine. I mentioned to him that I was a lot more aware of what I wanted in a relationship and I was more than ready to find a nice guy, or someone to just have fun with. He looked through his phone to see if you had any young, good guy friends for me, this is how I met Luke.

We ended up going on a date a few nights later. Luke was unlike anyone I had met. He was funny, polite and incredibly handsome. Throughout our relationship I often felt surprised that I had caught such a winner. 

Unfortunately, our relationship was a bit more complicated than most. Luke and another girl had just broken up. He was hurt, I was naive, I ended up being his rebound. Badly. Timing can be a serious bitchy mac-bitch pants.

On Halloween one year, he also drunkenly proposed, which I drunkenly accepted, BAD BAD IDEA to accept a proposal from someone who you've only known for a month and who has just gotten out of a relationship.
Our song was "Hanging By A Moment" By Lifehouse. 

When we broke up, it was probably the worst break up I've been through. It's also when I started doing the usual girly thing of wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I cannot get a guy to just stay with me and love me. 

Not only was there the issue of rebounding with us, but also stories of cheating (not from my side) and ex issues. No need to get in to that side of things. 

It ended pretty badly with Luke and I. I'll never forget sitting in my driveway crying after he drove away.

Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse

Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation, you take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment
Just hanging by a moment
I'm hanging by a moment
Just hanging by a moment here with you 

Mr Brightside (May 2009 - September 2009)

Thanks to a mutual friend, one night after an evening class at my university I ended up on a date with Mike. Our break up was so terrible that I deleted every single photo of us, except one. 

It isn't the best photo, but there we are. When I met Mike, we got on like a house on fire and our relationship moved at an incredibly fast pace. I quickly learned that he was severely bipolar. The amount of pills that he took twice a day was quite scary. After about a month we went away together to my favourite place, Hogsback. When we got back from there we had decided to move in together. To be specific, he asked me.

So, I moved in with him. Everything was okay for a while. Every now and then he would go away to Lesotho for the weekend with the Wits Ski Club. Although he never invited me, I always assumed that it was a guys weekend, but later learned that many girlfriends went with too.

We then decided to get two kittens, and it was left to me to name them. I decided on Bella and Esme, it seemed to suit them, as they were very beautiful and also mother and daughter. I remember one night Esme disappeared and we spent hours outside in the cold looking for her. She eventually turned up 2 weeks later, a lot skinnier than she had been.

Mike and I had a good relationship in the beginning. We would say goodbye in the mornings, and chat to each other the whole day until we'd both get home and see each other again. When he found out about the fact that my previous boyfriend Wes had thought we were still a couple even when Mike and I had been going on dates, he played Mr Brightside to show how he felt and it became our song. 

Mike had his issues, one minute he would be fine and happy, the next he would be freaking out about any little thing. So, one day, we were both sitting in the TV room. He suddenly looked at the book shelf, which had both his and my books on it, and said that he couldn't handle the fact that all my books were on his shelf. 

This quickly escalated in to him freaking out about me moving in. I had started to get used to his funny moods so I walked in to the next room to check on the cats. He then came in and apologised. Later on we broke up properly, I was so embarrassed to go home that I drove to my university and slept there.

The next step was moving out, which I did all by myself since he had decided he needed to be away and think, which made me feel like this was all somehow my fault. Definitely one of my stranger relationships. 

I heard later on that he had given the cats away. This hurt more than the break up, they were my cats too, so he really could've at least offered them to me. 

I thought I'd never see Mike again, but he showed up a few years later when I went to a birthday party. I finally got an apology from him that night.  

Mr Brightside by the Killers

I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all

It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag

Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head

But she’s touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go

And I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all

It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag

Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head

But she’s touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go

Cause I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I never
I never
I never
I never 

Wish I (Jan 2009 - April 2009)

In early 2009 I met Wes. Brother to a very good friend of mine, Wes was just what I needed as a newly single girl. Fun, fit, and pretty much the opposite of James.

 
Although I don't recall it being part of the initial plan, we ended up in a relationship. A relationship consisting of World of Warcraft, avo sandwiches, late night visits and tequila. A lot of tequila. 

When we first met Wes was seriously considering joining the American army. Since I pretty much fell head over heels for him, this was really distressing. To show him how badly I didn't want him to go, I got him to listen to a song called 'Wish I' by Jem.

My best memory would be when I told him I loved him, we were sitting around listening to music and I spelt the words out on his back. When he eventually figured out what I was spelling out, he got the biggest smile I've ever seen.

We also took cute photo's together ~

He would also make heart shapes a the bottom of his milkshake for me ~ 

The worst memory would have to be when I broke up with him. The first time we broke up, I had felt that we weren't meant to be together suddenly and thought it would be best to end things.. I still to this day can't explain how I was completely in love one second and sure beyond a doubt that we weren't meant to be the next. A little while later he contacted me to ask if we could just hang out and have.. friendly fun sexy time. I agreed, but over the next week, somehow some major confusion had occurred and he thought we were back together, whereas I was still under the impression that we were just having some fun. I has also gone on a date with a guy called Mike who I really liked so when I found out from Wes that he thought we were back together I had to break up with him, again.

A generally good guy, a short relationship. The only guy who bought me flowers and milkshakes, I probably should've given us more of a chance.

Wish I by Jem

Baby, you're sailing today
Baby, you're sailing away
Sugar, wish I could go too
But honey you know
I'm happy for you

Wish I, I wish I, I wish I
Wish I was going too

Baby, your ship has come in
Baby, adventures will begin
Sugar, don't you worry 'bout me
Coz honey you know
Want you to be happy

Wish I, I wish I, I wish I
Wish I was going too

But if you find that you don't like it
That the people there aren't inviting
Or that city life is too frightening
Won't you come home
But if you find that you don't like it
That the people there aren't inviting
Or that city life is too frightening
Won't you come home
Please come home

Wish I, I wish I, I wish I
Wish I was going too
Wish I, I wish I, I wish I
Wish I was going too 

High and Dry (2004 - 2008)

I got in to my first serious relationship when I was in high school, grade 10 to be exact. He was in grade 9 at the time, meet James, the laid-back weed smoking, nice guy. Young and in love and all that nice stuff.

Of course since I was only around 16 at the time I was convinced that we would be together forever. We met through my sister, when she was working as an aupair for his family at the time. We all went to watch a movie together and then I progressed to arranging casual run-ins with my girlfriends at school. Eventually I got my friend to ask his friend if he liked me liked me, because why would I ask him directly, that would just be weird. I received the message back that he did, and everything went from there.

There was one moment I will always remember, when we were at a music store he decided to introduce me to Radiohead. As I stood there in the store listening to their album called The Bends, a song called High and Dry came on. In that moment, I remember looking at him and thinking, I'm happy. 

When I listen to that song now, I still feel like I'm 16 and standing in that store. 

James also told me that "Creep" by Radiohead was his song for me, which always meant a lot. 

This was an important relationship for me, James was not a bad guy at all but I definitely came to realised what I DON'T want in a relationship. Let's just say, we were hardly ever alone as we were usually surrounded by his friends, who I got along with well, but come on - ALL the time? I also often felt like I had to take care of him, drive him around, get food for him, clean up after him etc. I also realise now that he wasn't exactly the most affectionate or sensitive person, unfortunately at that time I didn't know that it's not normal for your boyfriend to make you cry so often.

Anyway, their were high points and low points and ... messy points, to name a few..

My matric dance ~ This was a memorable evening, not in a good way. He basically got upset with me because I didn't want to go and dance with my friends (because I was waiting for you to ask me to dance, you idiot), then he spent the whole night outside smoking and we didn't even make it to the after party. The moment I remember the most about this night was once we got back to my house, he wanted to just go to sleep. Me being the romantic, fighter that I am, I played a special song in my room, and asked him to come and dance with me, which I thought was a sweet gesture. He declined, we went to sleep. 

Looking back, that was probably the night I should've realised that many many more of my sweet gestures would go unnoticed or unappreciated.

His matric dance ~ Another special night, he spent most of the evening with his friends smoking outside. I was so frustrated and sad that when I got back home, I couldn't get me pretty dress (which he hardly noticed) off quickly enough so I literally cut it off of me. I still haven't fixed it.

 Family vacations ~ James didn't really like sun, or swimming, or doing anything that might mean having fun so this was an interesting

Trip to London ~ In 2007 or so, we decided to go and visit my sister in London. I was beyond excited to go overseas for the first time. One of the first things we did when we got there was to go to HMV and spend some money. Then, for the rest of the trip, James spent the rest of his time there watching the series that he had bought. Literally, all day. Eventually one day I had had enough, I went on my own to Camden. Spent the whole day walking around and shopping, and made it back in one piece all by myself. That was definitely a huge experience for me in realising that I can be independent.  

The fact that I don't have a single photo of us together in London pretty much sums it up..

One day I'll go back there.

Trip to Madagascar ~ I went on a trip with James, his family and one of his best friends to Madagascar. A really amazing place. Since James had his buddy there, I mostly gave up on having any time with him and resorted to taking photo's, exploring the different islands and reading.

My best memory in Madagascar was sneaking away one night and going to sit on an otherwise deserted beach by myself. Once again, realising that no, he wasn't going to do something romantic like sneak away with me, so I best do it alone, was another step in the whole independent thing.

The worst memory would have to be when I woke up with a bad allergic reaction to the prawns we had eaten and my whole face had swollen up like a pygmy puff. Luckily, the island we were on at that time also had a doctor, so he fixed me up pretty quickly.

Hanging out with his friends who became my friends ~

After being together for about four years, James's mom (who never really took much of a liking to this English girl stealing her baby boy away) conveniently sent him to study in Cape Town. I went to visit a few times, we spoke on the phone everyday, until it started to feel a bit forced. 

Eventually, on some bright and sunny day in 2008 I flew down to Cape Town for a visit. About 30 minutes after arriving, I hadn't even had a chance to unpack my bags and he was telling me that he thought we should break up. A few minutes later I was phoning my mom to ask her to buy me a plane ticket back, I flew back later that day.

That wasn't the last time I'd fly back to Joburg from Cape town with a broken heart.

High and Dry by Radiohead

Two jumps in a week
I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy?
Flying on your motorcycle,
Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition,
Kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror,
You're turning into something you are not

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation,
You will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces,
You just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
When you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you,
You will be the one screaming out

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing that you ever, ever had
It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing you ever had has gone away

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry